The Circle of Friendship

Friendship is a developed need. There is only one person we require when young to keep us alive and that is our Mothers. But as we grow there becomes this all consuming need to pick people around us, and integrate ourselves into social groups. I could talk about society and its many faces regarding this issue. But there is only one which is close to my heart. There is nothing more meaningful on this earth outside the love we share with those who have the same blood running through their veins than a deep and meaningful friendship. But how do you implement that when anxiety sits on your shoulder whispering words of doubt into your ear? So quiet is that little demon that only you can hear. I have been there before, in the throes of a deep and meaningful friendship. I spent half of my life with this person, sharing nights of laughter and days of un-tethered memories that would come up in conversaton many years after it happened. To have a best friend who you walk through life with is a precious thing. They are the family of choice, and it feels as if nothing in the world will ever break this bond of sisterhood.

Until the bond is broken. And you lose your person. And all the other persons along with them. And suddenly humanity takes off its mask, and you see the true face of it underneath. The path laid out ahead becomes distorted and disillusioned. Betrayal is always waiting for its moment in the sun, and when the clouds part ways it will always shine down. You continue to walk this new path, only you're alone save for the eyes staring out at you from where you can't quite reach. The loss of something so great, so profound is just a little nudge towards mental illness. And those demons, those eyes... they are always watching.

For whatever reason, and there are many, I have lost a lot of people in my life. People who I have trusted, who took that trust and threw it into the fire to burn to ashes that just drift away on a breeze. People who I have helped, who I have loved and cared for in equal measure. And in their place I am left with wounds that have names and faces I dare not speak of. Friendship has become a circle, and I am trapped within the realms of it.

Does this person want to be my friend? Does this person care about me? Does this person tolerate me, and nothing more? Does this person want us to grow closer? Does this person think I'm weird? I can't text them again, I already texted them the other day. I can't invite them out, they'll be busy. I shouldn't bother them. Don't tell them anything personal, they'll use it against you one day like the others did. Don't talk about them to anyone else, in case you get accused of talking behind their back, Why didn't they text me back? Why are they nice to my face but never check on me? Why don't they invite me out? I'm being needy. I'm being pathetic. I'm an asshole. And this is why nobody likes me...

That is the reality of the circle. An unquenchable thirst that requires constant self-doubt and incredibly low self-esteem. Which I have in abundance. It would be easy to close the door and stay behind it. Where I am safe and nobody can touch me. But theres an element of loneliness that drives people to acquire friendships. Friendship is who we are. Our friends reflect in us, and we reflect in them. And when it is real it is beautiful and vividly warm to the touch. However real though, forever is something completely unobtainable. Forever is not something the cosmos can provide. Losing a friend hurts just as much, if not more so, than losing a lover. And these losses are what make us fear the next one. Just as with a lover.

Anxiety within friendships is a minefield. In a self-centred world how do we compensate for our inner feelings whilst trying to remain "happy and breezy"? If I am not the funny one, the happy one or whatever the other ones are, then what am I? Am I officially the Anxiety friend? The one who replies quickest, the one who never says no, the one who is so afraid to lose the friendships they have scraped together from the broken pieces that they have become a mockery of what a friend actually is?

My mind is broken, and so is my heart. From past experiences and consequent anxiety. I remember how I used to be solid and I didn't worry what people thought of me. And I was never backwards at coming forward. And I remember that girl with fond memories and I miss her. I think I'd like to be her friend. She was awesome to have around. If I can make my way back to her, by some tiny miracle, I'll be the funny one. The happy one. The whatever the other ones are. But going back is in direct conflict with moving forward. And perhaps I'll never be that girl again. But I hope one day I will come to terms with the girl I've become. And my friends will too.

Stay with me.