Good days and Bad days

I can't say with any certainty that I am ever going to be rid of this disease. It courses through my veins now and pumps fiercely into my heart. But there is a short reprieve, and they come in the form of  "Good Days". They might not be particularly good by some standards. They might not be picnics in the park or day trips to the beach. They might not be birthday parties or winning the jackpot at Bingo. They might be sitting in front of the tv or driving to the supermarket. What sets them apart from all the other days is that on "Good Days" these trivial things are easily achieved without having to mentally prepare yourself to do them. They slip into your consciousness like sunshine through blossom trees and suddenly the world is not as bad as it had once seemed. The demons hide behind their tombstones and play dead. On "Good days" there is a rare opportunity to appreciate all that you have and give yourself fully to the beauty of it. Because there is so much beauty in the world. And it is tarnished by the fear that comes with the "Bad days".

The thing about Anxiety is that it never truly leaves you. It lingers on the peripherary both day and night. It seeps into the subconscious in the form of nightmares, and stays with us in the day as we try to put our finger on that niggle in the back of our minds that just wont quit. The thing about "Good days" and "Bad days" is that they grab a hold of that lingering and send it hurtling in either direction. I once read somewhere the most perfect description of Anxiety. "When your chair tips back and you almost fall but catch yourself - that sensation - but for no reason for hours." Some days the chair is constantly tipping back, and others the chair has all four feet placed firmly on the ground. I cherish these days. The people who love me cherish these days. My personality finds its way to the surface and I am able to be myself for those precious hours or days in the sun. I bask in the warmth of it, the release from constant panic. And I tell myself it's ok to tell the joke, it's ok to voice the opinion, it's ok to say whatever is on your mind. And I do, and suddenly there I am. And I am reminded that I am still this person, even if I retreat inward once more on the "Bad days."

Have you ever felt sad for no reason? Have you ever known you were worried about something but couldn't remember exactly what it was? Have you ever overreacted about something that was never going to be as bad as you feared it might be? These are the fundamental things which people who suffer with Anxiety deal with day in and day out. This is basic everyday anxiety. And then the demons crawl out from behind their tombstones. Every word you say is a weapon which can be used against you. Every thought is twisted into a deafening rhythm of doubt. Everyone who has ever loved you is lying. How can they ever love someone like you? You're a failure. You're ugly. You're replaceable. Don't tell the joke, they'll think you're stupid. Don't voice your opinion, they wont agree and they'll hate you for it. Don't say whats on your mind, they'll call you crazy and pitiful. I used to watch Alice in Wonderland and marvel at her spectacular fall down the rabbit hole. How perfect a way to describe the descent into madness. Every sensation is heightened, every voice heard. Every look noted. During "Bad days" there is a constant battle within. Rationality tells us that nobody is talking behind your back but experience of betrayal tells us they are and inevitably will stick that knife in. During "Good days" you enjoy the company of these same people. During "Bad days" there will be physical manifestations of panic if nothing goes to plan, or the future seems uncertain. During "Good days" you're able to see these things for what they are. Accept that the future is unwritten.

Life will always be a tide. When its far out and you can't see the waves crashing on the shore I always tell myself it doesn't matter if I can't see them. I know that they are still there and if I am patient they will come into view. I write this on a "Good day" when I can put all of this in perspective. Yesterday was a day for sadness and torment. And when I was asked what was wrong all I could say was "nothing". Because thats what the "Bad days" are made up of. Tiny fragments of nothing. All stitched together to make a blanket of...nothing.

I like to think that I am a functioning person, despite my mental health issues. I go to work four days a week, where I work with autistic people. And then I come home to be a Mother to my children who I have tirelessly tried to shield from the darker moments of my depression. I think perhaps they have had a glimpse during the times when the "Bad days" were a constant cycle which continued for an entire year. But during moments of clarity I see that its perhaps not such a bad thing that they are aware of heightened emotion. We cannot hide ourselves entirely. And I try to be a good partner to the man I love. His arms have sheltered me on many a "Bad day" and I owe him the best of my "Good days". Some of you might look at my life and think I have little to worry about, but that story will have to wait. For now I live on the balance between the bad and the good. Light and dark. It's a thin wire and it sits above the entire world. Which, no matter what, will always continue to turn.

Stay with me.