The fear of Loss

Lately, there's been a lot of negativity. I often find myself in holes that respond only to darkness. I do not look around and forward. Only back and behind. It's quite easy to look back. It's already written, there's a clear picture of events. Looking forward is always like dipping your toe into murky waters. The picture is only a projection of what you desire. And you can't guarantee things will always go the way you want them to. There is no hiding from the past. It is what makes us who we are. It is why we are cautious around new people. Why we keep parts of ourselves hidden. Why we don't go to certain places because they invoke feelings we don't want to revisit. Why we remain quiet when others speak up. I don't want to be a slave to my past anymore. I don't want to hurt when I think about it. I don't want my future poisoned with the bitterness of the things which have happened. I've spent most of my life looking back. Being in a constant state of allowing the worst parts of my history seep into my future.

I have abandonment issues. There. I said it. My fear of loss is profound. And it shapes my environment more than I should allow. It started as a child, perhaps some would call them typical "Daddy issues" but I think perhaps my anxiety does not come from having a sub-par parent. I could recall my life story and all its losses and it would not read much different from anyone elses crosses to bear. I've known betrayal and heartbreak. I've known the loss of a child before its been born. I've lost friends after 16 years of solidarity. I can't quite say if there was a defining moment that I knew I was afraid of loss or if the years went by and I adapted my emotions to accommodate the fear. I was never really aware of what it was exactly, only that I used to panic if I exchanged cross words with friends. I avoided confrontation, and in the process allowed myself to become the sort of person who allowed people to disrespect me and walk all over me. I did not begin things, because I feared the end. I did not see that losing certain things, certain people were a natural part of progression. We do not end our lives with exactly the same people we begin it with. If we are lucky we forge long lasting relationships that stand the test of time and circumstance. But I have come to learn that not every character survives to the next chapter of the book. A massive part of learning to be happy has been learning to accept loss in all its forms. Which, invariably, is easier said than done.

Loneliness is real. It is why we stay when we should go. Why we put up with things we don't deserve. Why we crave what we don't have. There's this picture of the way things should be. Its different for each of us. And we strive to have the picture complete. Popularity is a myth, and crowds are where we all gather to be lonely together. There is no escape if loneliness is within, It eats away, bite by bite. I always greet people with the idea that they wont like me until they get to know me. And even then, it may be a push. And no matter how often I'm told I am liked or accepted I wont believe it. I have memories of people who would make excuses to not spend time with me on occasion, but they would happily welcome me into their company on others. People who would talk about things they had done, with a cautionary "you should have been there" thrown in at the end of the story. It's strange the things which remain with you. The more my adult self thinks about these things, the more I realise I have never really been able to fit myself into any one group, and remain there comfortably. I was not wanted, not needed. Not welcome. But if I said the right thing, did the right thing, then I was welcomed with open arms. Monsters don't live under the bed. They live within us, each time we tell someone "you should have been there" when an invitation was never offered. Each time we take offence at something which was said, and walk away without a backward glance. The older I get, the more I avoid people.

And that's ok. It's ok to not be part of a massive group of people. It's ok to be whoever you are and not be accepted. It's ok to be lonely. It's all ok, every stinking last part of it. Every night you spend going over the things which came out of your mouth which might have been taken the wrong way. Every time you've been made to feel as if you're not wanted, not required. Because if people are going to leave, there's a door that they walk out of. That's theirs to open, and theirs to close and whatever is on the other side of it is theirs and theirs alone. You have no right to that door. Your door is on the other side of the room, the opposite direction. And nobody else has access to it. Sometimes you have to keep going through open doors, and don't worry about who might leave you. Be the one to leave them behind. Be a candle that snuffs out the light. Burn for a while, and then take on the breeze.

Stay with me.

Resurfacing

When one "Bad day" turns into another, there is a process of resurfacing when the tide goes back out. There is very little to it, save for tiny moments of clarity that come unbound in the darkness. Perhaps you crawl out of bed and stay out of it for a few minutes longer than you did the day before. Perhaps you answer a phone call, even if only for a moment. Resurfacing is like a temporary re-birth. All the quotes make sense again and fresh air has some meaning. I am currently resurfacing after a weekend in bed, traumatised by the events of the week before. Which, I am aware, were quite trivial. But I am also aware that anxiety feeds off trivial matter. My emotions are amplified, whether they are good or bad. Perhaps it may seem as if I am overreacting. But in reality, I feel everything too intensely and react accordingly. Which is probably why I quite enjoy the resurfacing process. I am positive, I am proactive, I am motivated. I am able to arrange my thoughts in neat little lines that make absolute sense and I can cope with each one beautifully. There's a vast difference between resurfacing and having a "Good day". You can only resurface if you have been drowning.

There are various physical manifestations of drowning. Of course, I use the term metaphorically. Chest pain and difficulty breathing. Light headedness and fatigue. I awoke in the early hours of sunday with an intense pain that threatened to crush my chest and ribs. I took some strong pain killers and drifted off into the abyss and when I woke up I was still under water. By monday it took every ounce I had to drag myself back into the world that had inevitably continued spinning whilst I hid under my rock. I was still drowning, I was still shrouded in darkness. Its strange how easy it is to function on autopilot. I now feel ready to begin resurfacing. It's wednesday.

The first thing I do is text my friends. The worry that they will forget about me is a very real thing. I enquire as to how they are, and remind myself that there are others swimming in the same ocean. Even if its just few random insignificant messages, I have made contact. And I am not forgotten, and neither are they. The next thing I do is make social arrangements. Having something to focus on is paramount, and even if I don't feel like going at the time of the event I will endeavour to go regardless. I watch my children, and remember that I am the most important person in the world to a small few. Even if I don't feel like there's a place for me anywhere. I sit down to write a new blog post, more poignantly. The ability to put this disease of the mind into words I find is almost an utterly baffling thing. And then I go to the man I love, and I thank him for being in the water with me and drowning by my side. Resurfacing is good for the soul, but its also good for the souls around you. They love to see you smile and laugh and eat. And even though you will always panic in a situation which requires bravery, or shy away from making bona fide decisions, the fact you got out of bed is a massive achievement.

I am aware of my weaknesses. My triggers. I know what it takes to reduce me to a breathless wreck, tearful and afraid and in need of a place to hide. Perhaps I am lucky in the respect that I also know what I need to do to regain my strength. Literature is a healing tool. Music is a two sided coin, but when it is used to bring the self back it is magic. Even holding a conversation is theraputic if you haven't spoken much lately.

Which leads me to the part of resurfacing that isn't always positive. Resurfacing can appear incredulous. How can someone so happy, so outgoing, so "ok" have been unable to get out of bed a few days ago? How can they have been in physical pain from mental illness? How is it possible to be one way and another in the blink of an eye? People might be sceptical, especially if you are open about your mental health issues. There will always be stigma, and judgement. And it will never be reconciled. How we portray ourselves to others will never truly be how our inner selves appear. And this is true for every single human being on the planet, not just those with mental health issues. We find ourselves being able to be more free with who we truly are with a choice few who we keep close. But do we ever wear our true faces? We're all facets of one truth, and we alter each part for the people around us. For family and friends, for work and formal obligations. Life is a spectrum of outlets, and they all require different things from us. I would love to know what it feels like to succesfully navigate all these outlets. But I never will. I accept that.

For now, I brace myself for the things I cannot control. Sometimes I have to let it go if my text is read and not replied to. If a brown envelope from the tax office comes through my letterbox. If I have a job interview because the job I feel safe at is closing. When these things occur during resurfacing then they are dealt with, I presume, as if by someone who did not have anxiety. Or at the very least, a functioning human being. I catch myself in moments of solitude and I wonder why I cried over certain things that did not require tears. My tears did not change the outcome and yet, I cried regardless. And maybe I always will. Maybe I will always be drowning, and for a few sweet moments find some respite on the surface.

Stay with me.

Was it something I said?

The mind is a wonderful thing. It is capable of great things. Such as colourful dreams and spectacular new ideas. It processes the world around us into contexts which we understand. Sight, sound, touch, smell. The mind curves our view of things into categories we can taste. This finely tuned attribute to what makes us essentially human is truly something mankind will never fully get to grips with. It is far beyond my capabilities to comprehend. But, then again, comprehension does not need to extend that far in every day life. You don't have to question how the mind works, you just know that it does. But what if it doesn't? What if you can't process things? What if sight, sound, touch and every other sense we are capable of gets lost along the way? Mental Illness curves our view the wrong direction. And every word that slips from our mouths is a carefully calculated one. Every touch is a predetermined move. Every time I think I have these things figured out, I am always cautiously reminded that sometimes I don't.

Today I was reprimanded for having an "attitude". Today I was told that I had spoken badly. Today I offered an apology for my perceived attitude and was met with complete and total indifference. Perhaps this is something that most people would chalk down to experience and move on, but for someone with anxiety these are fundamental triggers of complete and total oblivion. First there comes the dread, that you are about to reprimanded for something you have done. People with high functioning anxiety tend to live their lives in a constant cycle of apologising for their perceived behaviour and living in fear that they will trip up and do something wrong. Second comes the realisation that you have done something wrong, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. You feel the crush in your chest, your heart thump wildly as if it wants to escape from between your vibrating rib cage. Third comes the wave of tears, which are completely unwanted and yet threaten to spill over your eyelids as you stand there being told you are basically a failure. Fourth is the one that hurts the most. When you've been reprimanded for your tone of voice how do you respond in one that wont incur more wrath? Your mouth is dry, you want to run but your legs wont allow you to move. Because you're standing in front of someone you should respect. Someone who you would never dream of speaking badly to. Someone who you know deep down does not like you, but you try to remain friendly because the environment craves positivity. Anxiety does not like to court positivity, so when the reality of a situation is laid bare the mind does strange things. Of course, my fears of responding incorrectly were completely founded as I poured my heart into an apology I truly meant for something I knew deep within I had not intended to do. There was eye contact. There was acknowledgement in a silent noncholant shrug as they walked away, and my apology crumbled to the ground like a thousand words I had ever spoken that had ever been taken the wrong way.

This person confirmed that it did not matter what I said, or how I said it. I was going to be punished. I was mercilessly blanked for the rest of the day and subject to excrutiating looks of disparagement. Perhaps I should have fought my corner. Perhaps I should have been angry. But there was only a hole inside and it panged and ached as I sobbed at the utter injustice. I sound like a child who has received a ticking off, sulking in the corner at being told that I had done something wrong. I am well aware of the configurations people will take on this. But I had witnesses to my tone who reassured me thereafter that I had not spoken with an attitude. And I'm not too proud to admit that I am an easy target. I wont fight back, I wont blame you for reprimanding me. My self esteem is that which will tell me I need to question myself, which is why my heart breaks every time I open my mouth to speak. It's textbook anxiety. And today it served to remind me that I am not cured, I am not perfect. Today has been a "Bad Day". Today has been mired in a feeling that no matter what I do, there will always be a consequence.

I read somewhere that what I am feeling is because I am becoming spiritually awakened. The world is ugly and people are ugly to each other. It does not end with the great injustices in this life, and it does not begin with the small ones. There is a circle and it is never ending and each time a child is bullied, or a war is begun, or your tone of voice is misconstrued, or a terrorist hijacks a plane they wear the same ugly face. But I feel as if this is for another time.

It's funny how one person can change the course of your mood. I wonder if I ruined their day with my attitude? I wonder if their perspective was coming from a genuine place of perception, as mine was, and the two were never destined to meet? I wonder if they were just looking for an excuse to hurt my feelings? When the mind is hurt, the body will follow. And both of them need to heal. But, as the nature of anxiety dictates, there is no known cure.

Stay with me.

A message from the past

There was a vibration in my pocket. I knew the rhythm of it, that one was a facebook message. I opened my phone and was immediately intrigued by the content. "Please tell me, did Kat cheat on me?" I knew which Kat he was referring to, he had two children with her and had been her on/off partner for around 12 years. But she wasn't anything to me anymore. She wasn't my best friend, she wasn't my most favourite person in the world anymore. She was just another name in the list of people who had decided to abandon our friendship because the shepherd had moved the flock. I knew the answer to his question. But I still felt an old stab of misplaced loyalty and refused to give it to him. Perhaps it wasn't misplaced loyalty, perhaps it was fear that old bullshit would land on my shiny new doorstep if I did say anything. I had a brief conversation with Kat, somehow I still had her number stored in my phone. She was as affluent with words as ever, using the same sayings that made her acutely likeable and popular. We spoke as if nothing had ever happened for a few brief moments. Damning all men to hell, and bantering like she hadn't tried to avoid me the last time I randomly bumped into her whilst doing some christmas shopping. And then I decided to point out the elephant in the room. "I hope you get everything sorted." I said, and I meant it. "Sorry I've not said much lately but still trying to understand why I was phased out by everyone and its been tough to see all your pics together. Anyway take care." I knew I wasn't going to get a response after that. That was far too deep, but talking about the father of her children discovering she'd had an affair apparently wasn't. I disclose too much, allegedly had an affair. I remembered her saying at the time I fell into my pit of despair how she didn't understand how things had got like this. How our other friends had taken the "new me" so badly. None of them hung around for the afterparty. By the time I had put all my broken pieces back together I was completely ostracised. Part of me felt like perhaps she hadn't wanted this outcome, but the choice was simple. Stick with me as I made one bad decision after another. As I fell into a pattern of casual sex and depression. As I lied to the faces of those who I perceived as judging me. I didn't realise at the time but that was the anxiety clawing its way under my skin. Or stick with the group who could all see me for what I was. A liar, a thief, a mess. Why pass up the chance to bond over such a mutually exclusive target? Of course I was many things, but never a thief, but once you're on a roll with being a failure people tend to add their own content for dramatic purpose.

I spent the rest of the day wrestling with my thoughts over it. The only reason I had received that message was because this alleged affair took place during the time Kat and I had been inseperable. I had only informed her of it because part of me wanted the opportunity to say those words I had parted with. Those words I knew would not inspire a heartfelt response. And yet I felt I needed to say regardless. And the more I fought with myself over it, the more I realised how much I had changed and grown since my days within that group that had once been mine but now belonged to her. They pose for selfies and talk trash behind each others backs. They have group chats on whatsapp just for the sole purpose of talking more trash. They think that they have a bond which is certifiably close but it is based on mutual dislike, a need to convey solidarity amongst popular women and looking good with the right people. I used to be like them. And I know why, because I wanted to belong. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted the selfies and the holidays and nights out. Problem was, I genuinely loved these people and it broke me when they decided I was trash. Perhaps I genuinely betrayed them, perhaps I was trash. I felt like trash, I felt worthless and no damn good. It was during this time I had left my marriage and the home I'd shared with my husband and kids for 5 years. I was living at my Mothers house in a 2 bedroom end terrace, using the living room as my sleeping space. I'd lost my job, and I had no money and the debts of my marriage were piling up. The urge to run away was all consuming. I wasn't myself, which is a term all too frequently used. But it was abundantly clear that I wasn't,infact, myself. As individuals, these people were good kind people. But there was a mob mentality forming and I found myself at the mercy of their judgement. So yes, I lied about where I was going and what I was doing. And the consequence was losing my place within the friendships I had built. I have lost people before, in more horrific ways than this. But I speak of this occasion because it marked the beginning of the person I am today.

I am flawed. I am broken. I am damaged. I am ferociously untethered to the sides of me that used to think and feel in certain ways. I do not believe that the way I was ostracised was done with complete and unfaultering malice. We are taught so early on to value our loved ones, to treat them with love and respect. And now more than ever there is this world on show where you must have all the pretty little things. The best of the best. When there is a crack in the mug, do you glue it back on or throw away the mug and buy a new one? Society is disposable, as are people if they do not fit the criteria. This damaged, broken and flawed version of myself no longer fot the criteria and my own behaviour was used as the catalyst. And I do not blame them. We all want the cogs of our lives to keep turning in accordance to how they should, and if there is one kink in the cogs it must be removed. I have amassed a life of broken cogs, and all our faults and imperfections keep turning and turning and turning and sometimes we turn so much we make the bumps smooth again. These days I only allow broken cogs around me. They are beautiful and accepting and irrepressibly a joy to be around. They remind me that I was never alone, I was never abandoned. I was given up by something which wasn't meant for me and pushed towards the path I was meant to be on. I had to lose all those people. I had to leave my marriage. I had to know how it felt to literally have nothing. So that when the man I love came along I would know that he was the person I'm meant to be with for good. And I would appreciate his kindness and his sacrifices and his love without question. And the friends I had seldomly gathered along the way would be as equally broken and unsure of their worth so that when I began to wonder if they would abandon me too I knew that it didn't matter because we're not here to create a picture perfect group of people we are all capable of lies, of debauchery, and falling apart. I practice the art of attachment quite loosely these days. I try to love people without the dependance love can bring. Its quite spectacular. And whilst I see Kat and the others still in this circle of things which possibly do make them happy, it is no longer my truth. Designer handbags do not excite me. Nor do drunken fights outside pubs or whose relationship is falling apart. Conversations about green grass on a wednesday morning with a cigarette in my hand, and laughing  because I said the wrong word in a sentence. Even if the anxiety is telling me I'm stupid, at least anxiety is speaking to them too and we're all pulling oars in the same boat.

Stay with me.