Was it something I said?

The mind is a wonderful thing. It is capable of great things. Such as colourful dreams and spectacular new ideas. It processes the world around us into contexts which we understand. Sight, sound, touch, smell. The mind curves our view of things into categories we can taste. This finely tuned attribute to what makes us essentially human is truly something mankind will never fully get to grips with. It is far beyond my capabilities to comprehend. But, then again, comprehension does not need to extend that far in every day life. You don't have to question how the mind works, you just know that it does. But what if it doesn't? What if you can't process things? What if sight, sound, touch and every other sense we are capable of gets lost along the way? Mental Illness curves our view the wrong direction. And every word that slips from our mouths is a carefully calculated one. Every touch is a predetermined move. Every time I think I have these things figured out, I am always cautiously reminded that sometimes I don't.

Today I was reprimanded for having an "attitude". Today I was told that I had spoken badly. Today I offered an apology for my perceived attitude and was met with complete and total indifference. Perhaps this is something that most people would chalk down to experience and move on, but for someone with anxiety these are fundamental triggers of complete and total oblivion. First there comes the dread, that you are about to reprimanded for something you have done. People with high functioning anxiety tend to live their lives in a constant cycle of apologising for their perceived behaviour and living in fear that they will trip up and do something wrong. Second comes the realisation that you have done something wrong, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. You feel the crush in your chest, your heart thump wildly as if it wants to escape from between your vibrating rib cage. Third comes the wave of tears, which are completely unwanted and yet threaten to spill over your eyelids as you stand there being told you are basically a failure. Fourth is the one that hurts the most. When you've been reprimanded for your tone of voice how do you respond in one that wont incur more wrath? Your mouth is dry, you want to run but your legs wont allow you to move. Because you're standing in front of someone you should respect. Someone who you would never dream of speaking badly to. Someone who you know deep down does not like you, but you try to remain friendly because the environment craves positivity. Anxiety does not like to court positivity, so when the reality of a situation is laid bare the mind does strange things. Of course, my fears of responding incorrectly were completely founded as I poured my heart into an apology I truly meant for something I knew deep within I had not intended to do. There was eye contact. There was acknowledgement in a silent noncholant shrug as they walked away, and my apology crumbled to the ground like a thousand words I had ever spoken that had ever been taken the wrong way.

This person confirmed that it did not matter what I said, or how I said it. I was going to be punished. I was mercilessly blanked for the rest of the day and subject to excrutiating looks of disparagement. Perhaps I should have fought my corner. Perhaps I should have been angry. But there was only a hole inside and it panged and ached as I sobbed at the utter injustice. I sound like a child who has received a ticking off, sulking in the corner at being told that I had done something wrong. I am well aware of the configurations people will take on this. But I had witnesses to my tone who reassured me thereafter that I had not spoken with an attitude. And I'm not too proud to admit that I am an easy target. I wont fight back, I wont blame you for reprimanding me. My self esteem is that which will tell me I need to question myself, which is why my heart breaks every time I open my mouth to speak. It's textbook anxiety. And today it served to remind me that I am not cured, I am not perfect. Today has been a "Bad Day". Today has been mired in a feeling that no matter what I do, there will always be a consequence.

I read somewhere that what I am feeling is because I am becoming spiritually awakened. The world is ugly and people are ugly to each other. It does not end with the great injustices in this life, and it does not begin with the small ones. There is a circle and it is never ending and each time a child is bullied, or a war is begun, or your tone of voice is misconstrued, or a terrorist hijacks a plane they wear the same ugly face. But I feel as if this is for another time.

It's funny how one person can change the course of your mood. I wonder if I ruined their day with my attitude? I wonder if their perspective was coming from a genuine place of perception, as mine was, and the two were never destined to meet? I wonder if they were just looking for an excuse to hurt my feelings? When the mind is hurt, the body will follow. And both of them need to heal. But, as the nature of anxiety dictates, there is no known cure.

Stay with me.